Lately, I have been struggling with weight gain. Even though it’s not much, it’s been enough to send me into a tailspin. I have been fighting good versus evil. My mind wants to fight my heart by reverting back to old behavioral patterns that made it easier to get the weight off.
I have been overweight most of my life, and unfortunately, I became bulimic at one point and would eat everything in sight. Once that became too much, I stopped eating. I enjoyed the ritual behind the behavior, and I would eat anything and everything in my quest to become thin. I remember making sure that I was marking my food so that once I vomited to a certain point, life would be good, and I was calmer. I loved the feeling that I could control what I put in my body and what came out—or so I thought. I loved that I could buy any clothes and know that they would fit perfectly. I found that people would look at me differently and that I wasn’t as revolting as I believed I was.
However, for every good action, there was a counterpoint. I enjoyed seeing the pounds melt away, but I found I simply had no energy or drive to do even the simplest of tasks. I was cold all the time, my throat always hurt, etc.
My eating issues were causing chaos with my health, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be thin and popular no matter the cost.
I ended up in treatment and have managed to keep the beast at bay for many, many years. But I feel some of those feelings coming back, whispering, “You need to stop eating or you’re going to be fat and unwanted.”
Thank God I have my recovery program! I certainly don’t need to start drinking again over this. Like any addiction, this too is a lifelong issue, but I know that I need to fight the demons inside and learn to be okay in my own skin.
So I’m looking at some healthy recipes and am going to start making wiser food choices to get these 10 pounds off. And God willing, I’ll do it the right way and not the easy way.
About the Author:
Sherry Irvin is a woman living in long-term recovery and has been continuously sober for 9 years. She has two sons, 21 and 18, both attending college. A writer and podcaster, Sherry works with women who have developmental disabilities.
